I’ve probably written this post before. The one where I throw my hands up and just want to give up on running, marathon training, my goals and my entire runner identity. #dramaqueen
I don’t feel like a runner lately.
My idea of hydrating the night before a run...

My idea of hydrating the night before a run…

This is clearly not a runner.

This is clearly not a runner.

I don’t feel excited for the NYC marathon like I should. I’m embarrassed to say that because there are so many people who’d do anything to run it.

While struggling through my short 5 miles this morning I dug down deep into why I am feeling this way.
#meh

#meh

Last year I had all these amazing PRs. I finished a half in March in 2:05 and then came the NJ Marathon where I finished in 4:38. I felt strong and was seeing such improvement that it stoked the fire in me to push for faster finishes and goals. I even bandied the idea of a sub 2 half marathon in my near future. And was hoping to shave another few minutes off that NJ marathon PR this year. Well I ended up injured, and injured again, and then again….ankle, knee, rotator cuff, back, hamstring, sometimes more than one issue hurting at the same time. It’s been 16 months of battling injuries and compromising of races. Dropping back from a full to a half for the San Francisco Marathon last year, and then not running a few other races at all. Getting only half the training in for this year’s NJ Marathon with a resulting 20 min slower than PR finish.
I wanted this NYC Marathon training cycle to be great! I wanted to feel so jazzed and healthy and really find that spirit and running high that I had in the past. I wanted to put these injuries behind me. And here I am struggling to keep up with training and worried I’ll have another poor performance come race day.
Now don’t get me wrong, I have no time goals for this race because of my not so stellar training but deep down I’m still so sad that my fire to get faster was snuffed by injury after injury. It has messed with my mind so much that I feel like a failure. I don’t feel like a runner anymore….more like a “shuffler”. My “good” runs are rare and that scares me.
I’m signed up for a half marathon this Saturday—the Beat the Blerch.
blerchBut I’m pretty sure I’m going to drop back to the 10k. I heard that most of the course is on trails and I’m worried about more injury. I’ll make a game-day decision.
I’m tempted to just stay home and lay on the living room floor with this guy:
IMG_8254But because I know my running peeps Cindi and Jane will be there I’m going. Jane has been in beast mode lately running and triathaloning and I’m hoping she’ll give me a pep-talk and some inspiration.
Tomorrow I promise I will UN-surrender because I know I’m not a quitter. And these feelings of failure and disappointment will be replaced with desire and perseverance. I’m going to actually slow down as I approach the finish line at the NYC Marathon this year. I want to take it all in. I want to savor the moment. I want to acknowledge the completion of a journey that took time and dedication. It might not be a “win” in the sense that most runners want but for me it will be a precious ending to the last chapter in my marathon book. I’m going to take a break from this distance. Not forever but for a bit. But I want to remember those seconds as I approach the finish line and realize that even through challenges I can make it. And my identity can be more than just a marathoner.
OK enough of that soapbox. I’ve agreed to start working full-time at my new(ish) gig. I’ve been freelancing with them for a few months but as of November I’ll be there 5 days and with an almost 2 hour commute each way and no marathon training I won’t have too much to talk about during the week. So I might drop back to once a week posts. I still plan to Sweat Out The Small Stuff of course =) Meanwhile, Duncan said he will guest post for me.
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Hey can you teach me how to use WordPress?

He’s got plenty of time because while I’m at work there’s only so much stair resting one can really do

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Question: Right now, Shut up and Dance by Walk the Moon and My Body by Young the Giant are the only two definites on my marathon playlist. Obviously 5 hours of running means I NEED MORE MUSIC!!!! Any suggestions???

 

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Tuesday 3 miles

So after feeling a slight improvement running 3 miles on Tuesday I ran 7 miles today and FINALLY felt like the runner I’m used to.

7 miles

7 miles

I’ll never be fast but today I felt pep in my step. My leg turnover felt normal (NO MORE SHUFFLING!), my gait felt normal and my breathing felt normal and no side stitches. I averaged 11:15 miles and was pretty consistent for all 7 miles.

What do I think is the reason for finally having a better run?

1. I slept 2 extra hours on Monday and 1 extra hour on both Tuesday and Wednesday
2. I stayed away from artificial sweeteners and processed foods for the last few days.
3. I got new sneakers! (Brooks Ghost 8s)
4. The temps have been a little cooler
5. I took ibuprofen and walked for a mile with Duncan this morning before running

new kicks!

new kicks!

OK let’s discus #5 shall we? I have been suffering with some general back pain since the end of April. When the pain first arrived I thought I slept wrong and hoped it would go away in a few days. Well it didn’t. It comes and goes in waves and the actual pain center migrates. Sometimes it’s the sciatic nerve, other times the small of my back, sometimes it radiates to the front of my hips to the point I think i’m having issues with my ovaries!

I was trying to relieve my back pain last night. He was obviously quite comfortable

I was trying to relieve my back pain last night. He was obviously quite comfortable

Anyway, this morning while I was still in bed and waiting for the alarm to go off, the pain was this constant dull ache and I just couldn’t get comfortable. I finally got up and took 2 ibuprofen. Then I grabbed the dog and we headed to the park for a walk.

6:45am walk with the doodle and my very much needed coffee

6:45am walk with the doodle and my very much needed coffee

Both the ibuprofen and the walk did wonders and the back started feeling great. And as a side-effect, my achy sore legs felt great too. I think this was one of the reasons I felt so much better running today.

celebrating my good run with some relaxing in the grass

celebrating my good run with some relaxing in the grass

I didn’t carry a water bottle but was happy to hit up this water fountain about 1/2 way through.

hydration station

hydration station

I’m meeting my running friends on Saturday morning for a long run. I’m aiming for 17 while they are going to cover about 23. We’re running most of this along the NYC Marathon route which is key! I’m feeling confident with some good sleep tonight and tomorrow night I’ll make it through Saturday’s run just fine. Not to mention having great company!

Whew!

So what’s new with you? Tell me one thing you’re happy about and one thing you’re frustrated with.

OK, so no tigers….just heavy legs and side stitches.

I really am losing faith in my running abilities lately. Every run sucks more than the last. I’m constantly feeling like I can’t get my legs off the ground and today during my 10 miler I had another side stitch that lasted for about 4 miles. I’m trying to remember the last run that I had that I was actually feeling good and happy. My friend posted this and I can totally relate except that I haven’t felt #1 much.

11986311_1036368506395806_5252700706457054723_nSo I got my 10 miles done but there were a few complete stops that I paused the Garmin for so I was really slower than this. Sheesh!

IMG_8047I want to run my 17 miler next weekend with my running peeps but I’m afraid they’ll leave me in the dust. Perhaps I can turn this around. Maybe I need a little extra sleep? Maybe it’s the darn humidity? Maybe I’m dying of some disease being dramatic?

OK ’nuff bitchin’…

At least I got to get excited when I ran under the Verrazano Bridge. I love that bridge. And I’m hoping to be on the upper level come marathon day.

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Oh, and my friend Lisa made her mom a birthday cake and saved me a piece. It’s lemon with raspberry filling and a lemon buttercream frosting. So good!IMG_8023

And now I’m headed out to a concert with my brother! A little sibling bonding. Have a great rest of your weekend…..

What is your side-stitch remedy?

Favorite cake flavor?

Hi. How goes it?

I have been so ridiculously busy with work stuff. But I’m not complaining. It’s wonderful to have so many freelance opportunities. I basically have a day job and a night job at this point. I even took work with me while I was out on Long Island. I can rest easy for the time being knowing I’ll be able to keep kibble on the table for Duncan and I. 🙂 

After my terrible long run on Monday I  took a couple of days off. But yesterday morning I had planned to get a 3 mile “keeping myself honest to mid week short runs” run in and at 4am I woke up to the sound of the loudest thunder ever. I thought about taking my run to the gym but by 6:45am it was just a downpour without the thunder and I saw some sunlight trying to peer through so I just put on an older pair of kicks and bolted. 

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This weekend I am going to be really pinched for time. I thought I was gonna try for 17 miles this Saturday but decided to swap with next weeks shorter 10 mile long run (yeah, only). I just have too much work to do and need that extra hour and a half that I would have been running those last 7 miles 🙂 I’m moving the 17 to next Saturday so it’s not a loss.

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Today is September 11th. My Facebook newsfeed is filled with posts about it. A real contrast to what it looks like on National Pancake Day that’s for sure :(. I thought I’d share with you guys how September 11th, 2001 unraveled for me.

I was commuting from Staten Island to Manhattan on the bus and we were in Brooklyn just about to enter through the tunnel that brings you into lower Manhattan. Mind you my husband had died 2 1/2 years prior. I was looking out the window of the bus and saw this wild explosion by the Towers. I literally assumed it was special effects for a movie being filmed. When you’re in NYC it’s common that there are blockbusters being filmed. All of a sudden someone on the bus screamed as they received a phone call from a loved one in that building. We never made it through the tunnel that day. We spent hours on that bus just sitting on the highway. There were papers that had blown across the water from NYC all the way to Brooklyn and they were landing on the highway. These papers were from the desks of people in the towers. That is how forceful the impact was. My bus driver started to collect them saying this was part of history. Eventually we got off the bus and walked around Brooklyn—we being me and a bunch of fellow bus commuters. We ended up at an electronics store (Like Best Buy) where we first saw that the Towers had fallen. We watched them on about 100 TVs simultaneously. I was so worried about my dear friend Susan who worked in that building. Thankfully she was running late that day and was also still on a bus in Brooklyn. But the saddest feeling I had that day was knowing there would be some many new young widows. I knew so many wives wouldn’t see their husbands again. I eventually got through to my family to let them know I was ok. By about 1pm they finally opened the Verrazano Bridge again which was locked down as soon as it was apparent this was a terrorist attack. I jumped on a bus that got me back to Staten Island and a friend picked me up and brought me home. Later in the evening my brother and his coworkers who had been running away from the towers as they fell arrived at my house because they couldn’t get home to NJ. I washed their dusty clothes and we got take-out from the diner for dinner and sat in front of the TV with our mouths wide open. We were all still in shock.

I had nightmares for months. I still get anxious every single day I commute to work.

I’m thinking of all those who perished on 9/11 and their families and all the men and women and canines, too who worked so hard for months and months as part of the recovery efforts. Let’s all remember the amazing acts of kindness that day. There were so many.