I’ve probably written this post before. The one where I throw my hands up and just want to give up on running, marathon training, my goals and my entire runner identity. #dramaqueen
I don’t feel like a runner lately.
My idea of hydrating the night before a run…
This is clearly not a runner.
I don’t feel excited for the NYC marathon like I should. I’m embarrassed to say that because there are so many people who’d do anything to run it.
While struggling through my short 5 miles this morning I dug down deep into why I am feeling this way.
#meh
Last year I had all these amazing PRs. I finished a half in March in 2:05 and then came the NJ Marathon where I finished in 4:38. I felt strong and was seeing such improvement that it stoked the fire in me to push for faster finishes and goals. I even bandied the idea of a sub 2 half marathon in my near future. And was hoping to shave another few minutes off that NJ marathon PR this year. Well I ended up injured, and injured again, and then again….ankle, knee, rotator cuff, back, hamstring, sometimes more than one issue hurting at the same time. It’s been 16 months of battling injuries and compromising of races. Dropping back from a full to a half for the San Francisco Marathon last year, and then not running a few other races at all. Getting only half the training in for this year’s NJ Marathon with a resulting 20 min slower than PR finish.
I wanted this NYC Marathon training cycle to be great! I wanted to feel so jazzed and healthy and really find that spirit and running high that I had in the past. I wanted to put these injuries behind me. And here I am struggling to keep up with training and worried I’ll have another poor performance come race day.
Now don’t get me wrong, I have no time goals for this race because of my not so stellar training but deep down I’m still so sad that my fire to get faster was snuffed by injury after injury. It has messed with my mind so much that I feel like a failure. I don’t feel like a runner anymore….more like a “shuffler”. My “good” runs are rare and that scares me.
I’m signed up for a half marathon this Saturday—the Beat the Blerch.
But I’m pretty sure I’m going to drop back to the 10k. I heard that most of the course is on trails and I’m worried about more injury. I’ll make a game-day decision.I’m tempted to just stay home and lay on the living room floor with this guy:
But because I know my running peeps Cindi and Jane will be there I’m going. Jane has been in beast mode lately running and triathaloning and I’m hoping she’ll give me a pep-talk and some inspiration.Tomorrow I promise I will UN-surrender because I know I’m not a quitter. And these feelings of failure and disappointment will be replaced with desire and perseverance. I’m going to actually slow down as I approach the finish line at the NYC Marathon this year. I want to take it all in. I want to savor the moment. I want to acknowledge the completion of a journey that took time and dedication. It might not be a “win” in the sense that most runners want but for me it will be a precious ending to the last chapter in my marathon book. I’m going to take a break from this distance. Not forever but for a bit. But I want to remember those seconds as I approach the finish line and realize that even through challenges I can make it. And my identity can be more than just a marathoner.
OK enough of that soapbox. I’ve agreed to start working full-time at my new(ish) gig. I’ve been freelancing with them for a few months but as of November I’ll be there 5 days and with an almost 2 hour commute each way and no marathon training I won’t have too much to talk about during the week. So I might drop back to once a week posts. I still plan to Sweat Out The Small Stuff of course =) Meanwhile, Duncan said he will guest post for me.
Hey can you teach me how to use WordPress?
He’s got plenty of time because while I’m at work there’s only so much stair resting one can really do
Question: Right now, Shut up and Dance by Walk the Moon and My Body by Young the Giant are the only two definites on my marathon playlist. Obviously 5 hours of running means I NEED MORE MUSIC!!!! Any suggestions???
you have GOT to have some michael jackson in your playlist! Thriller is way too classic not to be included in every playlist ever 🙂 you wrote my inner monologue today, for serious running has been hard, i get excited then have another terrible run. or have pain again or some other stupid thing. my brain wants to do a marathon but my body is saying yeah probably not. thanks for keeping it real!
MJ!!!! Good suggestion.
Raise Your Glass by Pink. Really, anything by Pink, but that is one of my favorite running songs.
I will miss your blogging, but enjoy your new job! I am struggling right now with what to do jobwise…had a great interview (I thought!) but am in that incredibly long seeming waiting to hear from them period. And I have a good job now, so I just don’t know what to do. Hey, there is a blog post for you! How did you make the decision to leave your old job and do freelance?
Anyway, best wishes! You still have to post Duncan updates.
Yes! I second Duncan pics and updates! Good luck with the new job!
Thanks!
Yes! P!nk! Love her. Thanks.
Waiting to hear after an interview can drive anyone batty. The cliff notes version of my work saga is that i went from full time to self-employed back in 2007. So I worked for myself (and from home) for 4 blissful years. Then I worked for a former boss 3x a week and eventually 4x a week but when my role at that company was pretty much going to be eliminated I jumped ship. I was just about to file for unemployment when I received a message from a former employer who was looking for someone to freelance for a few weeks. 3 months later and I’m now going to be working full-time for them at least for a bit. It’s been a wild ride. =)
Best of luck on your race! I just found your blog and I’m always excited to see you have a new post. Looking forward to following your journey once a week 🙂
Thank you!
I love Happy (Pharrell Williams) and Uptown Funk (Bruno Mars) for running. I’ve also been loving I Bet My Life (Imagine Dragons) lately.
A 2 hour commute? I hope it’s an amazing job!
OOOH YES Uptown Funk!!!
The amazing thing about the job…..it pays me this green stuff that affords me the new sneakers, Garmin and outfit I’ll need for the NYC Marathon =)
The green stuff does come in handy 🙂
This post hits home for me. First of all, hang in there! Secondly, I understand how it feels to battle injuries and just little “niggles” that pop up (all the time). Right now, I am actually just trying to swallow my pride and slow down a bit. I am not fast by any means, but this summer I have gotten my pace below 11 min/mile (I do run walk where I run about 8/10 of the mile and walk about 2/10). I was so proud (and kind of amazed). Last week my runs started to feel kind of challenging. Like I could not catch my breath and it was SO much effort. My pace slowed down and I was bummed out. But (for me) I keep asking “what is the big deal’? Would you rather run “fast” or run healthy?! I think I just have to focus on slower miles to keep my body healthy. I am not saying this is for everyone but since I don’t race and I want to finish my runs feeling good (and enjoying them) then I think I need to just accept that for whatever reason, my body would like to go a bit slower and just suck it up. I don’t really know why I got so much faster this summer so why do I have to figure out why I am going slower now (this is me asking me this…LOL).
Susan!
“Would I rather run fast or healthy?” That’s such a good question to ask yourself. I love that!